what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
