I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize