Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
