this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
