Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
