if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
