he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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