i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
