Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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