4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
