I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
