I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
