Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
