So drunk its hurt
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
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