Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
