the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
