I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
