Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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