I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
someone owes me an orgasm
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
