just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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