Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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