I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
