ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
