i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
