ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
