The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
