I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
