I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
