I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
