you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
