I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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