I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
