i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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