when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
