Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
