The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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