I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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