remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
