Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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