After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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