my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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