I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
