Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I have tasted many bathrooms
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
