yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
