I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
