We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I deserve this hangover.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize