Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
