She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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