I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
