Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
that is very illegal...i love you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
