Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
operation harelip BJ is a go
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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