So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
