I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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