he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
