you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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