I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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