my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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